I was proud of myself for staying in the kitchen and remaking my espresso after the lid wasn’t screwed on the machine the first time. A past version of me would have said: “screw it, I’ll have milk with breakfast and get Starbucks.” But I had a lot of cooking and meal prep to accomplish that day, and I didn’t want to start off by sabotaging myself. I took a breath, said a prayer, and rinsed my machine in cold water to try again. And I made a delicious morning latte to kickstart a day of cooking

My mom has always loved the art of cooking, particularly Italian food in the style of Giada de Laurentiis. I was always intimidated by the idea of cooking complex meals from scratch. I saw “learning to cook” as “learning to fend for myself”, but with a negative connotation of being abandoned to my own devices. In hindsight, it looks ridiculous written out on the page like that, but it’s true. And I’m not getting into my abandonment issues on the internet; that’s what my therapist is for.

At one point, I had an actual list of affirmations around cooking. I was that afraid of it. I would often burst out into tears when cooking, or at least feel overwhelmed. It felt like too many pieces of the puzzle, and the image wasn’t clear. I kept nicking myself while chopping, and always subconsciously wondered if that was really a true accident or a form of self-sabotage.

How did I eat for years if I never cooked? A lot of restaurants, and my mom and I would meal prep and can food together.  That was always joyful and fun, cooking alongside my mother and watching her in her element. But doing it by myself felt intimidating and overwhelming.

When I met my partner, we started cooking together on occasion, but still relied on takeout and restaurants. I made my staple Puerto Rican Beef for him a few times, and each time it got easier. I could wrap my mental capacity around the whole process and follow the established routine.

Once my partner and I moved in together officially in April, something shifted. I wanted to work through the food in our chest freezer, and I suddenly decided to make a pot roast. I had never made a pot roast before, but how hard could it be? Pretty easy, actually. I spent an hour chopping everything and preparing the sauce, left it in the fridge for the evening, and then ran the crockpot all day the next day. I popped in and out of the apartment throughout the day to check on it, and dinner was ready when my man came home from work.

After enjoying my latte with breakfast, I got to preparing all the meat in our fridge. An hour and a half later, I had two venison loins, three pounds of ground turkey, and half a package of bacon prepared. I was proud of myself for trying the latte again and for committing to following through on my cooking.

ll in a morning’s work!

Pictures of two venison loins, a dish of cooked ground turkey, and a tray of uncooked bacon.

Now that I live on my own (apart from my mother at least), and now that I desire to take care of my partner and feed him well, I’m getting the hang of this cooking thing. Not every meal is going to be a ten-step gourmet feast, but I’m taking my wins as they come. I’m no Michelin-star chef, but I’m committed to feeding myself and my partner nutritious meals. and learning to love the process. That’s all I have for now, and I’ll see you next time.