I brought the veggies into the kitchen when I didn’t have time to process them. If my roommate hadn’t pointed out the logical fallacy, I would’ve come home to sad and wilted kale.

I have a bad habit of doing things like this. Things that make sense to me but not to anyone else. I don’t always think through the consequences of the simplest action, and sometimes I don’t get to fix it before I experience the consequence.

I’ve had documented issues with executive dysfunction in the past, but I don’t want to just use that as an excuse to be lazy. I’ve pretty much been given a “free pass” for a lot of my life to act younger than I am. Part of that is neurological. Developmentally, I’m about 4-5 years behind my chronological age. largely because I literally spent the first five years of my life just staying alive. This doesn’t apply to intellect or cognition so much as relational and executive function. The long and short of it is that I make at least one dumb mistake every day, and it usually sends me into a shame spiral.

I wrote The Fraud of Normal six years ago already, and sometimes I still need reminders. I was able to gently hold strangers accountable and help them course correct, but I haven’t been able to give myself the same grace. Every shortcoming revives the fear that maybe I can’t cut it, maybe I don’t have what it takes to make it on my own in this world.

I was in a laser treatment room two and a half years ago, and the clinic operator said something along the lines of “you’re a genius, but you’ve spent so much energy learning to adapt”. I don’t say this to be self-aggrandizing, but to give myself a little credit. The laser tech’s words ring true even today, and help me pause when I’m so tough on myself for mistakes and bad habits. I’ve had to work so hard just to get to everyone else’s baseline.

I sometimes focus so intensely on my mistakes and imperfections that eventually all I can see are my flaws. But. When I’m in a massive shame spiral, sometimes the light will break through the storm. I will actually stop and think to myself, “wait, I’m awesome. What am I doing?” That question is a release of the pressure around my heart and mind, a full exhale after holding my breath, sometimes for hours.

I kept changing the title of this piece. First, it was “On Grace”, then I changed it to “On Limitations”. But doesn’t that just repeat exactly the same pattern? Focusing only on my mistakes and flaws instead of exhaling and seeing the bigger picture. Speaking of pictures, I took the thumbnail photo this very morning. A lot of the peppers we grew in our backyard are misshapen or discolored, and any self-respecting grocery store would probably toss them out or keep them in the back. But I know they have unique nutrition and vibrant color, and so do I.

I almost had another shame spiral even as I was finishing this very article. I was able to exhale sooner, re-center myself more efficiently, and simply move on with my evening, knowing I’m held in God’s grace. And for right now, that’s all I know. Thanks for reading.