The fluorescents are too harsh overhead, and I’m cold. I have a needle in my right arm, so I can only type with one hand. No, I’m not in a hospital. I’m just donating plasma, like I have twice a week on and off since college. This is how I make a majority of my money currently, not that I need much money to sustain my lifestyle at the moment.

I’ve essentially been unemployed for a year and a half, barring a few short-term positions. I haven’t found a long-term, fulfilling position, and I have no idea why. I go through phases of motivation to apply, and sometimes it seems I’m making progress. But my last interview was March 11, and I’ll admit the thought of working 40 hours a week in an office with strangers is intimidating.

It’s not like I need much money right now. I don’t have to pay rent, and I have zero student loans, which I’m very proud of. My biggest expense every week is honestly Starbucks. I spend a few nights a week at my boyfriend’s apartment and the rest of the time in the home I grew up in. It did take me a while to realize the uniqueness and incredible blessing of my situation – I can afford to take this time to wait for the perfect role because I am free of the financial pressures that so many people face every day.

I’ve cultivated a lovely rhythm and routine for myself that includes writing, working out, time with friends, and house projects. In this season, “house projects” mostly entail meal prepping and processing the harvest from our amazing garden. I’m awake every day by 7:15 at the latest, and I always begin the day’s tasks by 9 in the morning. Anyone who knows me knows that I thrive on routine and structure, and I am proud of the peaceful life I’ve built.

But I know that this season won’t last forever. My ideal three-year plan has me working full-time right now, getting married in three years, and working until the birth of my first child. But in order to put this three-year plan into motion, I need to be working an actual job and earning far more than I am right now. This Substack writer described her tension between being a stay-at-home wife and searching for a career, and I find I relate to this tension. She later revealed she decided to give up finding a career and lean into being a housewife. I would be happy to do that down the line, but 1) I am not a wife yet and 2) weddings cost a literal truckload of money, and money tends to come from a job. It’s a mental circle that I keep getting stuck in.

I believe there are three ways to approach the world: passivity, active surrender, and active control. We all embody different approaches in different seasons of life, and I’ve found myself slipping into passivity in this season. I’m comfortable in my routine, and like I said, a part of me isn’t really interested in working. I’ve treated this season like an extended summer vacation at times, with too much screen time and too little productivity. This peaceful life rhythm didn’t happen overnight; it’s certainly taken plenty of trial and error. But I think after a year and a half. I’ve finally learned to be present and grateful for exactly where I am. I may still be waiting, but at least now I can wait in preparation and anticipation, instead of waiting in stagnant inertia.

In the four years since I graduated from college, I’ve gone to Greece, completed a master’s degree, experienced a first romantic relationship, and a second. I’ve also learned to garden and can, learned to appreciate routine and structure, and built an intentional and nourishing community. I took so much of this for granted for a long while, wishing the next season would start, but how many people get to take over a year off to just enjoy life? I’m finally grateful for this season, but it took me long enough to get here.

This story doesn’t have a tidy conclusion yet, and I guess that is the conclusion. I still don’t have a job, but I do have a nourishing routine, a vibrant community of family and friends, and the growing skills to build my life as I desire. I don’t know how this season will transition into the next one, but I think I’ve finally learned not to take this one for granted. That’s all I know for now. Thanks for reading.