I almost posted a cookie recipe instead of this piece. But the point of my page is to share deep, honest, meaningful thoughts. Even when it’s hard.

For those who didn’t read my last essay, I have some unique physical challenges stemming from a traumatic brain injury at birth. I’ve overcome a lot of my physical challenges, and I’ve been incredibly blessed throughout my life. But some stuff still sucks.

Sometimes it sucks not being able to mask. I have a friend who has some substantial physical challenges, but hers are of a less visible nature. To the world, she can appear perfectly typical, and by all accounts she is. We bond over dating misadventures and our shared college, but I want to ask her so many questions. I don’t though, out of propriety.

What must it be like to pass for “typical”? Will I ever know? My boyfriend reminds me that envy is a sin, and I should count my blessings. On the one hand he’s right, but on the other- he’s just not me. And I’m not her.

But for all this griping and moaning, there are certainly lessons I could have only learned by going through my particular journey.

There’s something one of my doctors said to me recently. The cure for overcoming limitations , in his philosophy, is to “learn to love the challenge so much that you don’t want to give it up.” Now when I first heard that I was of course pissed. But then my mom translated it in a way that changed my brain forever. If I hadn’t had my unique physical challenges, we wouldn’t have embarked on a lifelong healing journey, leading us to meet countless amazing people and develop sustainable tools for self-healing. Out of some tough circumstances come some truly beautiful lessons and memories.

I’d love to say something cheesy, a tidy conclusion like “everyone faces their own unique struggles, and my journey has given me countless blessings.” That’s completely true, but it doesn’t feel remotely authentic right now. Can I be allowed to grieve and rage at my unique trials without being labeled a victim? Can I hold the grief of one aspect of my life while deeply appreciating my my countless blessings? I think so. For now I think I’ll allow myself to stand in the tension between jealous and blessed, while always leaning toward the blessings.